Earlier today, I realized that I wasn’t even sure that I am an ESTJ; I might be an ISTP (I’m not. I’m definitely an ESTJ. But that’s irrelevant right now.). So I was digging all around and trying to figure out which cognitive functions I actually use: Te Si Ne Fi, or their shadow functions Ti Se Ni Fe. I sat down and thought hard about it. Who am I? Honestly. Who am I truly? And the answer that came back to me was simple: a child of God; ESTJ or ISTP or anything else hardly matters. I’m a child of God first and foremost.
I often see the question asked (in various ways) “How can an ENFP (Michael) and an ESTJ (myself) be happily married?!” What it really boils down to is that we don’t go around living our lives with the labels “ESTJ” and “ENFP.” That’s silly tertiary information. We’re so much more than that. We are musicians, we are libertarians, we are parents, but above all, we are children of God. I know that being a Christian alone does not fuel a marriage; looking at divorce rates shows that. But truly following it teaches us selflessness, humility, generosity, paying attention to the needs of others, listening, and drive to action. Most importantly, it gives us a common mediator working in both of our hearts toward a common goal. All the rest is just extra.
Our ship here is at yellow alert, that’s true. Still two+ months away from my due date, it looks like we’re going to have our little girl any day, anyway – despite all our best efforts to keep her full term.
That’s OK. We’re fine and we aren’t at all worried. One of my very best friends asked me how I could be so calm about it. Truly, it’s because there isn’t anything to worry about! Just like Benjamin (who was early, but healthy), just like Nathan (who was full term), she’ll show up at the right time. She’s viable, I’m fine, we’re not in any real danger, so what’s there to worry about? Even if something did go wrong and things weren’t OK; then what? Nothing worth worrying about. We’ll deal with it then. It may be hard, but there’s nothing we can do about it right now. And we know that no matter what, it’s ALL under control; even in the worst of circumstances, our God will not abandon us to do it alone; he brought us through it in the first place. I could ask for no stronger, wiser, gentler hands to be in.
Actually, the hardest part of all of this is the depression. Fear isn’t an issue (as mentioned above), and I’ve been long broken of my pride that tends to burn me up inside whenever someone tries to help. But I do struggle with a fairly mysterious and very unpredictable depression. I don’t know why I feel like this. And it isn’t all the time; much of the time, I’m perfectly fine and play with my kids and feel great, but then sometimes it gets so heavy that it’s crippling. If there was anything specific I’d ask you to pray for, it’s that.
I see a lot of memes like this online. They’re obviously designed to stir up contention and sort people out, weed out the closed minded, unaccepting bigots. But the problem is that it makes the problem about YOU. “What would YOU do?” it says. But it isn’t about you; it’s about HIM.
The meme is leading the assumption that he is trans and/or homosexual, but what if that ISN’T what’s going on? What if it’s more of an artistic expression – whether of self or a group that he hadn’t told me he was part of? And what’s going on that he didn’t talk to us about this before? Is he crying out for help and attention? Or does he THINK he’s trans, but isn’t sure and needs guidance? There’s a lot that could be going on here that isn’t shown.
There’s something much deeper at risk here, a much more important issue that needs to be addressed: his heart. So what would I do? I wouldn’t just assume anything; I would sit with him and seek out his heart.